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The cyclone that is my thoughts..

 

So I try to always think things through before I say something that may come back to bite me, but now I am thinking maybe I shouldn’t be so concerned with these things as others don’t. Now it may seem like that’s a negative view towards something that deserves more thought; however, I don’t think I care as much anymore what others think. I think I am actually becoming that person I always said I was, the  “ I don’t give a frak” person, as this thought process has become more prevalent in my mind ( whether to restrain my speech or to let want I want to say flow) I often think back to how I have lived most of my life.

“Do unto others as they would do unto you” is a mantra that I have lived by most of my life; although, it is a contradiction to how I am feeling about speaking out. If I am to live by this mantra then shouldn’t I also police my words that come from my mouth as to not say something to someone that may in turn hurt them. Now I have friends that say things with no consequence on how it makes others feel, so is this really a good way to be as a person, the accept me for who I am attitude or is it just a way to keep people from getting to close?

If you have read this far you can probably tell that there is many a conflict swirling in my head, and I must continue to analyze them. You’re more then welcome to come along for the ride as I try to figure these things out but I can’t guarantee you will enjoy the ride.

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Trying to find my path

     So I often sit at my computer for long periods of time trying to figure what it is I want to do, play games, browse the web, come up with some snarky response to some political bull crap that keeps finding its way onto my Facebook page ( which I am still not 100% convinced I am staying there) but I keep coming back to a question that has bothered me for quite sometime now, and I know some might read into this the wrong way but I need you not to.

Who am I?

What is my purpose?

Why am I on this planet?

What is it I am supposed to accomplish?

     Now I  know that at some point in time all of us have had these questions and they often are in times of some period of self doubt or some catastrophe that has occurred like the loss of a loved one or some sort of trauma that causes these thoughts to happen. I know for myself that is not the case, sure I lost both my parents a few years back; however, I am also of the mindset that I know that we will all die, so I dealt with it the best I could and that way was to remember them for all they were to me but I had to still live my life. I tend to linger on things for extended periods of times and maybe somehow the loss of  our house in Florida may still have some sort of small grasp as a sign of my failures , but I do not think that is what causes me to continually ask these questions. I do not think it is a religious thing either, could it be a spiritual thing, maybe but I don't think my mind is in a position to comprehend the many possibilities that may be presented once I start to look in that realm.

     I know one sure thing that always has been a burden on my mind and that is money, I hate it, but yet i covet it with such a wanting desire that it sickens me inside. I hate how we as people have counted so much on money to outwardly define who we are as others see us, while others (most notably my wife) pay no real concern towards what money is and what it does, like my wife always says, " As long as we have each other than we are the richest people alive." And while I do agree with her on principal of that thought I can't help but think that if we had more money than stress would not be what it is to either of us, between student loans, rent, or medical expenses. Money has become the bane of my existence (also algebra)  and I hate that  in order for me to have felt like I have accomplished anything in life that I have to have a monetary showing of that accomplishment pisses me off.

     I don't truly really know who I really am, I do know that when I am in crowded places I develop an anxiety that I can't ever explain , nervousness, sweaty, heart racing, fear. Until I am able to find some sort of moment of clarity that allows me to function outwardly like a normal person should, I still feel all the symptoms inside however I am able to mask them so well that it can't be normal. I know what I love that is easy for me to tell anyone who will listen, I love my wife, my mom, and our baby girl ( Tela in case I never mentioned it) and I love where we live ( I just hope there is more opportunity available to both me and Shelly once all of our schooling is complete) but I don't know if I will ever truly love myself , not knowing who I am as a person is why I think I do not love myself as much as I am supposed to, and ya I know this sounds all kinds of emo and  woe is me  but  if I am ever going to figure out who I am then I need to be as honest in the telling as possible.

     I think my purpose on this planet was to find Shelly and be as loving to her as I can, I truly feel that of all the things in life it is her smile that will always make my heart feel filled with warmth, does it sound sappy? sure but shouldn't the love of your life always make you feel sappy and bring you to the point of emotional nirvana every time you think of them, I know it does for me.

     So I again make a post trying to help my inner self identify more with my outer self and still find that I am as confused as when I began but I do like the fact that every time I put these keystrokes in action I feel a sense of relief come over me.

Till next time

So about that originality thing

So me and the family took a little day trip to Gatlinburg and although it is a decent little tourist spot (trap) I have to wonder how do they survive (stores) every third or fourth store was basically the same merchandise which none to very little was made in the United States of America.

So I got to thinking how do these places survive. How can a business that is only open for part of the year actually turn a profit. Is the mark up that high ? Are the wares that are being sold actually that cheap and inventory cost is so minimal that it has very little impact? Or is it that they have somehow written off the cost of the inventory and or that they get tax breaks that allow them to absorb the costs associated with the business.

So how is it that businesses survive in an area where there are so many similarities between storefronts?

Sitting in Ross

As I am sitting here a plethora if thoughts barrage my mind. Thoughts that if analyzed would probably result in me being prescribed prozac, sadly I think this may not be a bad thing. I am mad at the world when I should not be. The world per say did not do anything to me that it has nor done to anybody else. I have worked since the age if 16 stupidly I sacrificed my education for a paycheck and ow my lack of station in life reflects that. Don't get me wrong but I am married to the most wonderful woman in the world, the beat relationship with a mother in law a guy could ask for. But at times I still feel like an empty shell just going through the motions in a world where my significance is appreciated very few and far between. Maybe this is how a mid life crisis starts . Most guys go out and buy stuff to compensate, but sadly I can't afford it.