Trying to find my path

     So I often sit at my computer for long periods of time trying to figure what it is I want to do, play games, browse the web, come up with some snarky response to some political bull crap that keeps finding its way onto my Facebook page ( which I am still not 100% convinced I am staying there) but I keep coming back to a question that has bothered me for quite sometime now, and I know some might read into this the wrong way but I need you not to.

Who am I?

What is my purpose?

Why am I on this planet?

What is it I am supposed to accomplish?

     Now I  know that at some point in time all of us have had these questions and they often are in times of some period of self doubt or some catastrophe that has occurred like the loss of a loved one or some sort of trauma that causes these thoughts to happen. I know for myself that is not the case, sure I lost both my parents a few years back; however, I am also of the mindset that I know that we will all die, so I dealt with it the best I could and that way was to remember them for all they were to me but I had to still live my life. I tend to linger on things for extended periods of times and maybe somehow the loss of  our house in Florida may still have some sort of small grasp as a sign of my failures , but I do not think that is what causes me to continually ask these questions. I do not think it is a religious thing either, could it be a spiritual thing, maybe but I don't think my mind is in a position to comprehend the many possibilities that may be presented once I start to look in that realm.

     I know one sure thing that always has been a burden on my mind and that is money, I hate it, but yet i covet it with such a wanting desire that it sickens me inside. I hate how we as people have counted so much on money to outwardly define who we are as others see us, while others (most notably my wife) pay no real concern towards what money is and what it does, like my wife always says, " As long as we have each other than we are the richest people alive." And while I do agree with her on principal of that thought I can't help but think that if we had more money than stress would not be what it is to either of us, between student loans, rent, or medical expenses. Money has become the bane of my existence (also algebra)  and I hate that  in order for me to have felt like I have accomplished anything in life that I have to have a monetary showing of that accomplishment pisses me off.

     I don't truly really know who I really am, I do know that when I am in crowded places I develop an anxiety that I can't ever explain , nervousness, sweaty, heart racing, fear. Until I am able to find some sort of moment of clarity that allows me to function outwardly like a normal person should, I still feel all the symptoms inside however I am able to mask them so well that it can't be normal. I know what I love that is easy for me to tell anyone who will listen, I love my wife, my mom, and our baby girl ( Tela in case I never mentioned it) and I love where we live ( I just hope there is more opportunity available to both me and Shelly once all of our schooling is complete) but I don't know if I will ever truly love myself , not knowing who I am as a person is why I think I do not love myself as much as I am supposed to, and ya I know this sounds all kinds of emo and  woe is me  but  if I am ever going to figure out who I am then I need to be as honest in the telling as possible.

     I think my purpose on this planet was to find Shelly and be as loving to her as I can, I truly feel that of all the things in life it is her smile that will always make my heart feel filled with warmth, does it sound sappy? sure but shouldn't the love of your life always make you feel sappy and bring you to the point of emotional nirvana every time you think of them, I know it does for me.

     So I again make a post trying to help my inner self identify more with my outer self and still find that I am as confused as when I began but I do like the fact that every time I put these keystrokes in action I feel a sense of relief come over me.

Till next time