When did the world become a meme?

     I got a few things I would like to say tonight.

     First I would like to talk about my progress to be healthier and live a better life. We(my wife and mom) are doing very well on our journey to be better.  Currently we are three weeks in and I am down 10lbs and I added another milestone to my walks by reducing the amount of time it takes to walk a mile. When I first started I averaged 19 minutes and 40 seconds and today I hit 17 minutes and 07 seconds on 3.6 miles. I think I could have done better if I had not gotten a cramp in my thigh. I wanted to give up and I called my wife to come get me but as I kept walking it worked itself out and I kept going. It was said to me that I don't need to push myself so hard and the only response I can say to that is, Yes I do, If I do not then who will do it for me, and the answer is nobody. Now I will not overdo it and I will not put myself in a position where trying to get healthy will actually do me more harm than good. I know my body (well except for when I found out I had diabetes, that threw me for a complete loop) and I will not go to far but I will stop just before I get there.

     Secondly I got my RAM back from Corsair. Well technically it is new RAM but still I am super excited to maybe get some stability in my rig that has bothered it for so long. I also started looking at water cooling components and also a new processor to put in my rig eventually but that will be down the line a while before I can do that.

     Now for the third item it may seem a bit off topic from what I normally ramble about but it is something that has really kept my mind wondering over the past few days since I first heard about it. Nelson Mandela is in the hospital again and it is not looking very good for him. The former president of South Africa has been battling lung infections and even got better for a brief period of time before this last admittance into the hospital. Writing about Nelson Mandela is not something I thought I would ever go out of my way to do; however, I find this man to be a very positive person on this planet and I think that his presence when he is gone will be sorely missed. I did not pay attention to politics when I was younger and to be quite honest I think politicians are all lying scum that are only in it to advance their own vane attempt at self worth. Nelson Mandela is the polar opposite of what I just described and I think that is because he was a person who had an idea before he became a politician and I personally think that even after he became the president of South Africa it was more of just a way for him to bring hope to a group of people that had suffered at the hands of others for so long. I am to young to have been around for great leaders and people of our past, those that impacted the world in more ways than just leaving a sound bite or famous quote, I was not alive to have been able to witness the impact and the struggle that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. went through nor was I alive to witness the pain and struggles that Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (Mahatma Gandhi) had to endure in the liberation of his people. I was alive though for the fight Nelson Mandela fought and I consider myself lucky that I will be able to say to someone down the line that I to got to witness a part of history that will never be just a footnote in the dwellings of history books. Although, as I write this Nelson Mandela is still alive in a South Africa hospital the prognosis is very grim and I know that when he does pass I hope that humanities problems may just stop for a moment and realize what we have just lost, not only was he a: father, husband, son, and brother. This man became a symbol of freedom in land that had truly needed to break the bonds of mental slavery.

     Lastly I would like to say to those of you reading this blog, thank you. This blog has become a way for me to release mentally and I never thought to do this before. Even though I may get extra grim or down in some of my writings I feel that it has helped me to have a better mindset  throughout the day and that is something I am real happy about. I never thought that writing (no matter how bad my spelling and punctuation is) would be an outlet I would explore but yet here I am sharing my new experience with you.

BTS

Adrift in a sea of pixels

     So I have been browsing the past few days looking for something new and shiny to ingest in to the mush that is my brain. I have been looking at everything from movies, TV shows, video games, and I am even reading a new book ( I went from Game of Thrones to a book highlighting conversations with H.H. Dali Lama). Now while this may seem normal to want to find variety with entertainment and I must say that I am like everyone else in that regard. However, currently between all the books that are in my wife's collection and what I have in mine (which quite honestly is just one big collection; although, her selections outnumber mine), over 400 movies in our collection, countless amounts of movies that I can stream and roughly 100 games at my disposal (don't ask how many I have actually beaten) I am still restless when it comes time to find something that will occupy my mind.
    
     I am a big proponent of technology; however, new devices that are continually being invented, improved upon, and thought up are becoming more of a detraction thus lessening the interconnection that we as humans had always had for centuries prior. Whether or not this is the reason that our world is in such disarray or not I do not know. What I do know is this, my wife and I owned a house in Florida for three years yet I could not tell you a single neighbors name. Where we currently live aside from the occasional friendly hand wave or nod to signify hello, I know nothing really about my neighbors. Although this may not sound uncommon it is not healthy for us as  a species, we need the times of the past to be more prevalent. A time when people actually cared more about their community and what was happening around them.
    
     I must admit even as I type this that I can't help but think that the book I am reading is influencing my thoughts on this matter but I think that is a good thing because if  there was one thing I could have cared less about it was a community mentality.As I get older though I start to think about all manner of things that I never cared about when I was younger, I am starting to read the news a bit more, I am more concerned with what is happening globally and how this might impact me and my family and lastly I am more concerned with how what I am saying and doing impacts others around me.
    
     And I think technology has led us to believe that we have a wall (kind of like this wall of text)that we think shields us when in reality it really does the exact opposite. The wall is more of a mirror it actually reflects our true personalities for better or worse, whether it is responding to a comment on a website that then is taken out of context or is interpreted the wrong way and a flame war begins or something as simple as being an outright jerk to someone intentionally in whatever online forum you choose ( Facebook, Twitter, message boards), the consequences can be very harsh because I think we all forget that once we interject our personal thoughts, opinions, or hyperbole then it is out there on the internet forever. Years from now when scholars look back at the time that we are in now, would you rather them say that your words were like that of a Hemingway or C.S. Lewis or would you rather be unknown because the words you spouted did not even rate a footnote in the history of time.

     Me personally I want to be known as a person that people liked and knew that they could count on and not just a person that like their status on Facebook. So you might be wondering how this relates to the original idea of a restless mind that I mentioned not to long ago. I can't really say that it connects but I would very much like to thank you for coming along for the ride as my mind wrestles with restlessness. And if at times it seems like points A and B don't have a direct connection to one another then you should be in my head where sometimes I skip directly to Z. While this may be at times confusing for you the reader, imagine how it is for me inside my own head.

BTS

Apply yourself...

Scott Johnson Rocks!

So today I received a treat in the mail from an artist that I think is really awesome in many different realms of entertaining. His name is Scott Johnson and he is the founder of Frogpants.com  and also My Extra Life .He has his hands in many different pots but the things I enjoy from him the most are the podcast shows he produces and his comics that I find to be very entertaining. Well a couple of weeks ago he had tweeted that he would be sending out signed print copies to those that went to his website on free comic book day, today I received mine. The prints he has available on his store always intrigue me but there were only two that I had hoped to get..ok maybe three... and the picture you see above is what I got which was second only to his Admiral Ackbar print... the thing I find most awesome about getting this particular print today is how lately I have changed my life and "Apply Yourself" has a whole new meaning behind it for me. So thank you Scott Johnson, not only for a emotional pick me up in what has been a rough couple of weeks but also for creating the things you do .

Sitting on the porch...

So I am sitting here on the porch with my beautiful wife and we are enjoying a wonderful night here in western North Carolina I look up and see the big dipper above. Even though there is a stream of cars from the highway down the hill the sounds of crickets and bugs fill the air. Sometimes just sitting in silence is one of the things I find most meditative and relaxing .
So as we sit here I can't help but wonder when contact will be made, extraterrestrial possibilities have always been of great fascination to me. The possibility that other beings inhabit the universe is something I am sure we will find out but when and how we make contact is another subject. I know it is a dream that won't happen before I die but then again I never fathomed we would have the technology that allows us to communicate  with someone on the other side of the world with a little device no bigger than a wallet. So I guess after all is said and done the simple fact is we should all appreciate all the moments we have no matter how small they are and how fleeting they may be ...enjoy them all cause  they do matter.

Catch 22…not the book

 

So I went to my first funeral over the weekend and I must say I don’t like them. Shocker I know, I don’t think anybody likes funerals; however, I think the reason for my dislike comes not from the process or the many different steps that go on during the funeral but that to me a funeral should be more about remembering a person and the times of laughter. Instead it was very solemn. I know some of you reading might be saying “ Really Brian, where are you going with this?”

Well this is where I am going, I have been on this planet for 37 years and I have seen both my parents die, all of my grandparents, one uncle, and one aunt; not one time did I ever go to a funeral whether it was due to my age or whatever reason I have never been exposed to the funeral process. So I was asked by the widow of my friend to be a pall bearer and I was very honored to be one, but what I wanted to do more than anything in the world was to hug her and let her know it will get better, and tell her that in time the pain does stop and is replaced with tears of joy rather than sorrow, but instead I performed my duties as a pall bearer and carried the casket.

So why didn’t I hug her and tell her these things, I think mainly because I think we all know these things I mentioned to be evident even during times of great sorrow, I also know she has the support of such a great family that will never let her reach bottom and that is because of how much love they have for her. And for those reasons this is why I felt that she did not need to hear these words from me but from those that will feel this grief along with her in a more personal manner that, even though I considered the man to be almost like a brother to me, I can not make their healing process less difficult, only their inner family circle will find the best way to deal with this tragic circumstance.

Now my wife and I had a long drive back last night and we talked about a lot of things but one question that was asked of me was, “Are you ok?”, yes I am. Even though I may have lost a great friend I also had a very kind, twisted, funny, loving, and truly inspirational friend in my life that I will never forget and I guarantee that nobody will ever say “stuffy” to me the same way ever again, because after all he is the man that started that nickname and it is one I wear with immense pride because it came from such an awesome person.

So Mike I bid you a fond farewell and I hope I will see you again.

 

 

Computers... love/hate

So I'm sitting here before I go on a job interview troubleshooting my computer for another company for what I am sure will be hours on end  again. My first go around was with SOE the makers of DCUO and dealing with CRC errors well never the course of a month I finally borrowed memory from my friend Louie and even though it was half what my system had I have only run into one issue and that was when I was trying to install far cry 3 on my system and more CRC errors appeared; however, this I do not believe to be the cause of the memory because after validating some files and download and replacement the install went fine. So not to bore you anymore than I already am. What amazes me is that in the world we live in today and the technology that is available I don't understand why it is we are still having to use such a remedial program to test something like memory. Don't get me wrong the program does what it is supposed to do but you just feel like we should be further along when it comes to tech support. I guess maybe this is my way of bitching but at the same time it puts so many ideas into my head of programs/apps that can be developed.

So if anyone out there knows of a company willing to pay for the ideas and have someone else build it I am available. Otherwise I think as much tech as we have it still is in diapers and needs to be changed.

An uphill battle

 

 

 

I’m fat

There, I said it. Does it make you less uncomfortable? it’s a statement that I have said many times before. I have usually said these words as a defense mechanism to get the words in before someone else does. After all who doesn’t love a guy who can make fun of his most obvious characteristic. That is me the fat guy who can make fun of, not care about, or down right not give a shit about the things that I should care about.

Now do not get me wrong I care about things, I love things, and I give a shit about some things. However, in my life it seems the one thing I never cared about, loved or gave a shit about was, me. And that has to change because the things I do care about , the things I love and the things I give a shit about  do care, love, and give a shit about me.

No matter how much I may put up my defenses to keep people at a distance for fear of rejection(I am not sure what type but rejection nevertheless) and the discomfort that comes along with the rejection. I try to always be good by the people I care about, I will be a loyal defender, a shoulder to lean on, and one of the most protective people you will ever know. Although I am all of those things the one thing I am not is secure in myself, I don’t know why , I can not recall a time in my life where something triggered this. I don’t recall a person that picked on me and called me names (although my last name was used in some quite and also not so quite creative ways) and made me feel utterly devastated.

 

 

I have been lazy, no motivation, and have had no drive to ever be skinny(I just want to be comfortable in my own skin) because I felt it was society that was dictating the standards of what we should all look like. I also think that todays standards are totally different for children growing up. I grew up in a household where vegetables where usually from a can and not from the farmers market , Coke was the preferred drink of choice and water was what was used to boil the spaghetti noodles, and what I ate was not regulated as well as should have been. So what you’re probably thinking is that sounds like an excuse, nope it is not because I don’t blame my parents for me being overweight. They signed me up for football when I was younger, I participated in the school Olympics when they would have them (I loved the high jump, which is odd because I got like a 2 inch vertical jump) and I even loved soccer on the playground when I was younger. So what happened, I don’t know. I do know as silly as it may sound  but I was at my physical peak when I played football in the 5th grade(I’ll let that sink in for a moment) and I loved going to the practices. So I guess I have to find that drive that I had back in fifth grade and rekindle it now.

 

 

Sometimes a wakeup call is needed in life, and this week I got mine when I lost a friend. Now I’m not saying the guy was the picture of perfect health but he wasn’t worrying about making another notch in his belt either. I loved this guy like a brother because I never felt like I had to put up my wall around him. I never felt like he thought of me as the fat guy. I did however feel that whenever he talked to me even though he had a smart ass way about him (which I will miss immensely) he was a genuine person, pull no punches, and tell it like it is. And maybe I am reading into his death to much but I look at this as him telling it like it is. And that I need to wake the fuck up and quit him hawing through life and get shit done, I need to get shit done health wise, I need to get it done schooling wise, and I need to make my life better for those that are in my life. More importantly I need to do these things for my life, because no matter how cynical or how much of a screw it attitude I may have the fact of the matter is, I enjoy life, I love those around me, and I want to be there as much as I can for them.

 

So we(my family) have decided to make a change, a permanent change for the better. Although we are starting out small I think we just have to keep reminding ourselves that what may seem small now, will reward us more once our journey is complete. Although it may be an uphill battle this is a battle that we are going to win.

 

Grief is never easy....

Memories are all I have now of a man that passed yesterday, a man that laughed like no other, a man that no matter how stressed or busy he was at work would take the time to help you out, never once did he ever say no, he may have said, "give me a minute" or "leave it here and I'll take care of it" but he never said no.

Why is it that a person who can be so selfless is one that gets taken away so early; when we have people on this world that do not deserve to take another breath; however, we lose one of the good ones, one that loved his family, one that had a passion for so much.

Normally I would post some sort of self examination, some form of trying to understand a little bit more about myself, but tonight as i sit here in bed the only thing I care about is hopefully being remembered in the regard that I hold this man. I never have been good with words and that is part of the reason why I started this whole blogging thing, but if there was a person who was never shy to speak up it was Mike and I hope one day I can only hope to have the outward personality that he displayed, I don't think there is anyone on this planet that is like Mike and I am glad for that because I only want there to be one, and now he is gone but he will never ever be forgotten. Ever!