An uphill battle

 

 

 

I’m fat

There, I said it. Does it make you less uncomfortable? it’s a statement that I have said many times before. I have usually said these words as a defense mechanism to get the words in before someone else does. After all who doesn’t love a guy who can make fun of his most obvious characteristic. That is me the fat guy who can make fun of, not care about, or down right not give a shit about the things that I should care about.

Now do not get me wrong I care about things, I love things, and I give a shit about some things. However, in my life it seems the one thing I never cared about, loved or gave a shit about was, me. And that has to change because the things I do care about , the things I love and the things I give a shit about  do care, love, and give a shit about me.

No matter how much I may put up my defenses to keep people at a distance for fear of rejection(I am not sure what type but rejection nevertheless) and the discomfort that comes along with the rejection. I try to always be good by the people I care about, I will be a loyal defender, a shoulder to lean on, and one of the most protective people you will ever know. Although I am all of those things the one thing I am not is secure in myself, I don’t know why , I can not recall a time in my life where something triggered this. I don’t recall a person that picked on me and called me names (although my last name was used in some quite and also not so quite creative ways) and made me feel utterly devastated.

 

 

I have been lazy, no motivation, and have had no drive to ever be skinny(I just want to be comfortable in my own skin) because I felt it was society that was dictating the standards of what we should all look like. I also think that todays standards are totally different for children growing up. I grew up in a household where vegetables where usually from a can and not from the farmers market , Coke was the preferred drink of choice and water was what was used to boil the spaghetti noodles, and what I ate was not regulated as well as should have been. So what you’re probably thinking is that sounds like an excuse, nope it is not because I don’t blame my parents for me being overweight. They signed me up for football when I was younger, I participated in the school Olympics when they would have them (I loved the high jump, which is odd because I got like a 2 inch vertical jump) and I even loved soccer on the playground when I was younger. So what happened, I don’t know. I do know as silly as it may sound  but I was at my physical peak when I played football in the 5th grade(I’ll let that sink in for a moment) and I loved going to the practices. So I guess I have to find that drive that I had back in fifth grade and rekindle it now.

 

 

Sometimes a wakeup call is needed in life, and this week I got mine when I lost a friend. Now I’m not saying the guy was the picture of perfect health but he wasn’t worrying about making another notch in his belt either. I loved this guy like a brother because I never felt like I had to put up my wall around him. I never felt like he thought of me as the fat guy. I did however feel that whenever he talked to me even though he had a smart ass way about him (which I will miss immensely) he was a genuine person, pull no punches, and tell it like it is. And maybe I am reading into his death to much but I look at this as him telling it like it is. And that I need to wake the fuck up and quit him hawing through life and get shit done, I need to get shit done health wise, I need to get it done schooling wise, and I need to make my life better for those that are in my life. More importantly I need to do these things for my life, because no matter how cynical or how much of a screw it attitude I may have the fact of the matter is, I enjoy life, I love those around me, and I want to be there as much as I can for them.

 

So we(my family) have decided to make a change, a permanent change for the better. Although we are starting out small I think we just have to keep reminding ourselves that what may seem small now, will reward us more once our journey is complete. Although it may be an uphill battle this is a battle that we are going to win.